Wisdom for Our Emotions (November 21st, 2021)

Navigating our Inner World: Proverbs has a lot to say about our relationship with the external world. As we have seen in our study, the wise person is a champion of making peace in relationships, communication, conflict, and other realms of the external world. But where does all this come from? A key and vital part of getting this wisdom and becoming a champion of peace is understanding our emotions in the inner world. Our emotional life has more attention than ever today, but there is still so much struggle and confusion. Proverbs – though written thousands of years ago – has powerful wisdom for understanding our emotional life.

1. The Validity of Our Emotions

No proverb tells us to avoid difficult emotions, that the righteous are never anxious, or that depression is a sign of disobedience to God. What we read is quite the opposite. Proverbs validates our emotions as a core part of humanity alongside our rationality and our will. We see colorful expressions like crushed, rotten, heartsick, strengthening bones, and the tree of life to describe a variety of emotional categories experienced by people walking in wisdom.

• Prov 4:23 - “Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life.”

• Prov 18:14 - “A person’s spirit can endure sickness, but who can survive a broken spirit?”

In Proverbs, we see the heart as the primary place where emotions are experienced. In Hebrew, the heart is the core of a person – where our emotions, reason, and will all interact together. This means that our emotions are not a lesser part of us or on a lower plane as if our thinking and actions were more trustworthy and pure. To ignore our emotions is to ignore our humanity. Wisdom requires that we validate our own emotions and the emotions of others as an essential part of reality.

2. The Complexity of Our Emotions

Even though it was written thousands of years ago, Proverbs doesn’t take a simplistic or reductionistic approach to emotions. Instead, it offers us a nuanced, complex, and true-to-life portrayal of our emotions:

• Prov 14:10 - “The heart knows its own bitterness, and no outsider shares in its joy.”

• Prov 20:5 - “Counsel in a person’s heart is deep water; but a person of understanding draws it out.”

These proverbs point to the complex and inward nature of our emotions that is not perceptible to others. This means that we need to learn how to identify and express our emotions that are beneath the surface. The picture of a wise person here is able to navigate their emotions and help draw wisdom out of the “deep water” in others. To draw out emotions involves dealing with extremes like bitterness and joy and understanding when something may be lingering beneath the surface that is not always as clear.

• Prov 14:13 - “Even in laughter a heart may be sad, and joy may end in grief.”

• Prov 25:20 - “Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.”

• Prov 15:1 - “A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.”

One application here is that we may not be able to discern what is going on beneath the surface in others, so we must approach this complexity with gentleness and care. Biblical wisdom calls us not to seek a simple solution for difficult emotions. There are two ways we can err in this regard. One is to give a wrong diagnosis. Another is to apply the wrong cure. In these ways, it is possible to pour vinegar on someone’s wounds, which only causes more pain. Imagine if you had a heavy heart, and someone just told you to pray more fervently. By contrast, a wise tongue is a gentle tongue because wisdom recognizes a whole-person approach to the complexity of emotions.

3. The Intensity of Our Emotions

• Prov 25:28 - “A person without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.”

• Prov 18:14 - “A person’s spirit can endure sickness, but who can survive a broken spirit?”

The Proverbs remind us that emotions are part of the heart, but they are not meant to rule the heart without bounds. The wise person is called to feel emotions and validate them, but not be ruled by them. This can be difficult because emotions vary in intensity. Our inner life can carry us through physical pain, but we can’t will ourselves out of a broken spirit because we often depend on the resources from within to influence what is outside of us. Self-help strategies might scratch the surface, but they are not ultimately enough to revive a broken spirit.

• Prov 14:30 - “A tranquil heart is life to the body, but jealousy is rottenness to the bones.”

• Prov 17:22 - “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.”

There is a powerful image in Proverbs related to our emotions, and it centers on the concept of the bones – it’s like we have an inner emotional skeleton. Observe in these proverbs the impact that emotions can have on the “bones” for better or for worse. Our bones are what hold us together, keep us moving through life, and uplift us when we lack strength. This metaphor illustrates the intensity and power of our emotions – when our inner world is strong, we can move out in strength; we feel like we can do anything! But when our inner world is rotten or dried up, we move out into the world fragile and brittle; we feel like we can’t do anything! What can help us navigate such powerful realities?

4. The Healing of Our Emotions

Proverbs gives us two powerful insights for the healing of our emotions:

1) Look to your hope

• Prov 13:12 - “Hope delayed makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”

Our hope is what we look to when we want to be happy or fulfilled. What you place your hope in ultimately sets the tone for your emotions. Some relevant examples might be your success, wealth, influence, or you’re your children. Consider how you feel when your hope gets delayed and how your emotions fluctuate. If you want to get to the “control center” of your emotions – look to your hope. When you have the thing you hope for, you feel whole and alive. When you don’t get it, you feel heartsick. In a broken world, all hopes will eventually be delayed or disappointed. This is where the tree of life comes in.

The tree of life is only described in the Bible in the books of Genesis, Revelation, and Proverbs. Underneath every difficult or hard emotion is a good desire or hope that points back to the tree of life in Genesis and forward to the new creation in Revelation. The tree of life in Genesis stands for the emotional wholeness we were made to have but lost. The tree of life in Revelation means emotional healing, desires fulfilled and tears wiped away. How do we get back to the tree of life? The Bible says it took another tree. Jesus makes a way back to the tree of life by experiencing the tree of death in our place (see Galatians 3:13 and 1 Peter 2:24). In other words, Jesus experienced the complete emotional breaking of his spirit, the drying up of his bones, and the sickness of his heart to make a way back to the tree of life.

2) Let the good news in

• Prov 15:30 - “Bright eyes cheer the heart; good news strengthens the bones.”

This proverb speaks to the power of something outside of us, someone else’s bright eyes or good news they bring, to get inside and strengthen us at the core. We cannot heal our own broken spirits or push out our bad emotions from within ourselves. But good news can get into our bones to give us an emotional skeleton. We won’t disintegrate or fall completely apart even when we are broken. Please hear this: it is not that believing the gospel shields us against emotional struggle or even intense despair. If Jesus experienced grief, pain, suffering, and sadness, how much more will we all? Nevertheless, we are connected us to a larger story, one where death ends in resurrection, darkness in light, and despair in hope. This is our hope. This is the good news.

REFLECT OR DISCUSS

1. What are some ways in which your inner world of emotions are hard to manage or understand?

2. Consider this quote from Allender and Longman (Cry of the Soul) : “Ignoring our emotions is turning our back on reality; listening to our emotions ushers us into reality, and reality is where we meet God.” In what ways have you been tempted to ignore your emotions? What are some ways that this can impact you and others?

3. Do you think it’s more difficult to validate your own emotions or the emotions of another? Why do you think this might be?

4. How are we sometimes tempted to offer simple answers or “solutions” to complex emotional realities? How can this do more harm than good?

5. Can you think of a time where someone wrongly diagnosed your emotions or attempted to provide the wrong solution to your problem? What does it mean to take a whole-person approach to someone else’s problems?

6. The Proverbs use the image of our “bones” to describe how our emotions can hold us up and help us move out into the world or weigh us down and immobilize us. How

7. What happens when we give into the intensity of our emotions? Should we avoid intense emotions altogether? How can we exhibit self-control without being dishonest about our feelings?

8. How does Proverbs tell us we can find healing for damaged or wounded spirit? How does Prov. 13:12 help us get to the source/root of our emotional wounds and hurts? If the Bible doesn’t offer us a way to avoid emotional wounds and pain in this life, what does it offer us?

9. How does Prov. 15:30 tell us we can find strength even in the disappointments/pain of life? How does knowing there is good news outside of my inner world (ie a larger story my story is a part of) help strengthen our inner world?

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Wisdom for Making Plans (November 14th, 2021)

Introduction: We have more access to information and knowledge than ever before, but we are still so confused, conflicted, and divided. What must we do? The book of Proverbs teaches us that wisdom is the missing piece of the puzzle, the lost treasure of our time. We must rediscover it, ourselves and as a church, if we are to stand firm in a world drowning in information but lacking in wisdom. This Fall, let’s come together to “get wisdom” and allow it to reorient our lives, our families, and our communities.

The Difficulty of Planning: Proverbs has a lot to say about planning in the context of God’s plans. To pursue a path of wisdom requires understanding that things don’t automatically work out the way we planned even with our best planning. This reality was made apparent to all of us during the Covid-19 pandemic that changed the world and all of our plans as a result. There is not a single person alive whose plans did not radically change, which should humble us in many ways. Regardless of what life brings, wisdom calls us not to abandon planning but to plan our best and then place our ultimate hope in a sovereign God whose plans are greater than our own. As we reorient ourselves and our families to planning, we can learn from the Proverbs to help us navigate the difficulty and anxiety of planning.

1. Make Your Plans

The book of Proverbs teaches us very clearly - make plans. If you want anything good to happen in your life, you cannot leave it to happen by accident! What does it teach us about what kind of plans to make?

• Prov 14:22 - “Don’t those who plan evil go astray? But those who plan good meet steadfast love and faithfulness.”

•  Prov 12:20 - “Deceit is in the heart of those who devise evil, but those who plan peace have joy.”

• Prov 21:5 - “The plans of the diligent certainly lead to profit, but all those who hurry end up with loss.”

• Prov 19:2 - “Even zeal is not good without knowledge, and the one who acts hastily sins.”

The clear teaching of these proverbs taken together is that meeting God and experiencing his steadfast love, finding joy, making a profit, and having success all come from planning well. Planning encourages us not to live haphazardly or just go with the flow, as tempting as that may be. The Hebrew word for planning includes counting, calculating, thinking, and devising. The planning process takes time and patience as we consider various factors and careful steps to reach our goals. It is no surprise then that those who constantly hurry or make hasty plans are the antithesis of wise planning.

• Prov 24:27 - “Complete your outdoor work, and prepare your field; afterward, build your house.”

We should not be discouraged by the concept of planning because it is not as overwhelming as we think. This proverb reminds us that even a little planning can often yield great results. The wise sage tells us not to get lost on the final step (building the house) but to consider what work is accessible (outdoor work and preparing the field) in the context of the process. If we take some time to make our plans, we might be shocked at how quickly we arrive at the next step. This is especially important in the context of our spiritual formation. How many of us get lost in our planning for life, and we completely forget about God? Do you have a plan for how you want to grow spiritually, develop your character, or bless others in neighborly love? We should not expect short bursts of inspiration to sustain our spiritual lives any more than neglecting planning to help us arrive at our earthly goals.

2. Don’t Trust your Plans

The Proverbs teach us very clearly to make plans but that we should not completely trust in our plans. This might sound like a contradiction, but it is a realistic lesson for us as created beings with limited knowledge and insight into the future. Let’s dig a little deeper to understand:

• Prov 12:15 - “A fool’s way is right in his own eyes, but whoever listens to counsel is wise.”

• Prov 15:22 - “Plans fail when there is no counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.”

These proverbs tell us that if a plan is only right in your own eyes, you have neglected some components of wise planning. Have you ever thought through a project or a plan only to realize that when you shared it with someone else, you realized something that you missed? Wise planning involves seeking wisdom in the counsel of others you trust so that you gain a better perspective on the goal of your plans. Even the fool makes plans, but his plans are not associated with wisdom because they forsake counsel.

• Prov 11:3 - “The integrity of the upright guides them, but the perversity of the treacherous destroys them.”

• Prov 12:5 - “The plans of the righteous are just; the counsels of the wicked are deceitful.”

• Prov 16:2 - “All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the spirit.”

Planning does not come from nothing. Planning emerges from our character, and our character is more limited than we often think. These proverbs remind us to keep an eye toward the spirit or motives of our planning. Wise counsel is important not only for the details of your plan but helping you weigh parts of your character that have gone into your planning.

• Prov 27:1 - “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring.”

• Prov 16:25 - “There is a way that seems right to a person, but its end is the way to death.”

The hardest lesson for many of us from the Covid-19 pandemic is that even if we apply all the elements of wise planning, we are still too limited to see what tomorrow will bring. A perennial truth of the human condition is that not only do we not know what a day will bring, but that we cannot know what a day may bring. This is why many elaborate institutional plans include contingencies should something unexpected occur. Similarly, the military always considers likely or dangerous possible outcomes in the accomplishment of a mission. What seems right to us could lead to death! This reality calls our attention not to place our ultimate trust in our plans, but in Someone beyond our plans.

3. Trust God’s Plans

• Prov 16:1 - “The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the LORD.”

• Prov 16:4 - “The LORD works out everything to its proper end-even the wicked for a day of disaster.”

• Prov 20:24 - “A person’s steps are directed by the LORD. How then can anyone understand their own way?”

The Proverbs point to a powerful theological conclusion that resounds across the whole Bible: God has a plan that is absolutely comprehensive and unassailable. His plan ultimately transcends our own plans, but it also pervades our plans, even to the very minuscule details. This is difficult to wrap our minds around, but that never means we should give up.

• Prov 16:9 - “A person’s heart plans his way, but the LORD determines his steps.”

• Prov 19:21 - “Many plans are in a person’s heart, but the LORD’s decree will prevail.”

The Bible teaches that the relationship between God’s plans and our plans is compatible. Theologians call this concept compatibilism. This teaches us that there is a mysterious union between the truth that God’s plans encompass whatever comes to pass and the truth that our plans are necessary for us to have joy, achieve our goals, and live in His faithful love. What we find is a paradoxical comfort that enables us to consider our plans but not to be overwhelmed or controlled by the outworking of our plans.

• Prov 21:30 - “There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord.”

• Acts 2:23-24 - “This Jesus, delivered up according to the definite plan and foreknowledge of God, you crucified and killed by the hands of lawless men. God raised him up, loosing the pangs of death, because it was not possible for him to be held by it.”

The good news is that no human plan can succeed against the Lord. The great preacher C.H. Spurgeon says, “when you go through a trial, the sovereignty of God is the pillow upon which you lay your head.” What we find in Jesus Christ is that even the worst schemes developed by humanity can be redeemed as part of God’s plan for joy, hope, and salvation. Though the hands of lawless men killed him, it was the Lord’s will to raise him up in glory. We trust that the Lord reveals his plan to us generally in the Scriptures but that He withholds many specifics because they would hinder us, distract us, and overwhelm us.

4. Commit Your Plans

• Prov 16:3 - “Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.”

We are encouraged to commit our plans to the Lord because He alone can establish the future. The word for “commit” here means literally to “roll onto.” This does not mean that we merely tell God about our plans or ask him to bless them, but the opposite. We “roll” our plans onto God as the firm foundation for everything we do and hope for, knowing that He will establish us regardless of the outcome. If our plans do not succeed, then we still have solid ground beneath us, and from this foundation, we can pray, seek wisdom, and respond with hope. A loving parent would tell a young child not to worry about things they can’t comprehend but to trust them even in the most difficult times. Similarly, God is our firmest foundation for planning and simultaneously the gentlest comfort for our souls.

REFLECT OR DISCUSS

1. What is one instance you can recall about the difficulty of planning in the past year? How did you adapt your approach to planning?

2. Are you more of a planner or a go-with-the-flow kind of person? What are some strengths and weaknesses of both approaches?

3. Why do we sometimes make detailed plans for some things in life (education, career) but fail to make plans for our spiritual formation and growth?

4. What reasons from this lesson stick out most to you as to why we should not trust our plans? Which of the limits do you most struggle with?

5. Do you struggle with how to make sense of the compatibility between the sovereignty of God’s plans and the necessity of your own planning? How can we find comfort in the truth that these things are compatible – even when we don’t understand how?

6. In the sermon in was mentioned that it can be hard for us that God doesn’t show “his work” (ie how his specific plans for us result in his ultimate plan for us). Is this difficult for you? How?

7. Where is it most difficult for you - right now – to roll what your plans and hopes onto the Lord?

8. How does the gospel help us trust that God can bring good even out of the worst of our human plans? How does this encourage you?

Click here for the full pdf version.

Click here to watch the sermon on YouTube.

Wisdom for Listening (November 7th, 2021)

Introduction: We have more access to information and knowledge than ever before, but we are still so confused, conflicted, and divided. What must we do? The book of Proverbs teaches us that wisdom is the missing piece of the puzzle, the lost treasure of our time. We must rediscover it, ourselves and as a church, if we are to stand firm in a world drowning in information but lacking in wisdom. This Fall, let’s come together to “get wisdom” and allow it to reorient our lives, our families, and our communities.

A Wise Person is a Listening Person: Have you ever tried to learn a new language? It is incredibly difficult because it is not something you can merely study or memorize. You have to immerse yourself and engage with real people who speak the language, which requires listening. In this way, learning wisdom is similar to learning a language. We cannot become truly wise without listening. Growing in wisdom requires us to humble ourselves and submit to God and others by being willing to learn their perspectives. This can be difficult, like learning a new language, because it requires us to re-evaluate our preconceived notions about wisdom and be willing to change our mindset.

• Prov 1:5-7 - “Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance— for understanding proverbs and parables, the sayings and riddles of the wise. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.”

The Proverbs confront our misconceptions about wisdom and how we can think about it from God’s perspective:

Our Misconceptions:

1. A wise person is already full of knowledge and understanding.

2. A wise person is self-sufficient and does not need to learn from others.

3. A wise person knows all the right answers about living well.

God’s Way:

1. A wise person listens to increase their knowledge and understanding.

2. A wise person is willing to learn from God and others.

3. A wise person knows that only God has all the right answers about living well.

1. What Listening Is

Listening is not merely about processing auditory sounds. It includes paying full attention to someone when they are in your presence. This is why people who are hard of hearing can still listen exceptionally well, or why we can tell when someone we are texting just isn’t listening. Listening is not about hearing as much as it is about the heart behind the hearing.

• Prov 4:1-2 - “Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding. I give you sound learning, so do not forsake my teaching.”

In this proverb, we see the importance of listening as it relates to learning and paying attention as a means to gaining understanding. The imagery is essential here because it depicts a loving father speaking to a younger son. The father desires that the son would recognize not only that he needs to listen but that he would desire to listen in order to acquire wisdom for the path of life. The context for listening involves giving full attention because it requires the engagement of the senses, the mind, and the heart to instruction.

• Prov 18:13 - “To answer before listening— that is folly and shame.”

This proverb highlights the difference between passive and active listening and the importance for us to seek the latter. Every time we listen, we have the option to listen passively, only waiting for our opportunity to respond, or we can listen actively, which involves paying attention to another and welcoming their perspective. Henry Nouwen points out that “the beauty of listening is that those who are listened to start feeling accepted, start taking our words more seriously and discovering their true selves.

What does good active listening look like? Dr. Alan Godwin gives us some tips for how to listen well:

1. Ask Questions

2. Pause Before Speaking

3. Avoid Interrupting

4. Listen with your body language

5. Validate before responding

2. Why we Can’t Truly Listen

If you know anyone with a physical impediment, you know that no matter how much they want it to change, their bodies continue to act in the same way. Not only do our physical bodies have impediments, but our souls have them as well. As it turns out, all of us are born with a listening impediment that impacts our ability to listen to God and others. Before we consider the spiritual nature of our problem, let’s consider some of the symptoms. Dr. Henry Cloud has provided some helpful barriers that keep us from listening well:

1. “Me-first” mentality

2. Self-referencing when others share stories

3. Interrupting often

4. Negating before allowing them to elaborate

5. Devaluing, Minimizing, and Denying

The pattern in these barriers is apparent: our fallen nature causes us to filter everyone else out in favor of listening to ourselves. Rather unsurprisingly, our ability to listen is only an impediment to others, but never for ourselves. We love and cherish listening to ourselves, and many of these barriers highlight our attempt to magnify ourselves over others. This points us to our sinful nature (Rom 3:10-12).

It is tempting to think that God has not spoken, but perhaps the problem is with us? Though we cannot and do not listen, we have a God who is always speaking to us and desires our response. He speaks to us especially in his Word, and we find that it is powerful and life-giving. His voice is also always active in the world, moving the trees, bringing the sun and rain, and piercing our consciousness at various times. C.S. Lewis emphasizes a similar point in saying, “We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” There are moments in life in which we must actively listen for God, and what we find is that he can heal our listening impediment and teach us how to listen to others.

3. God is the Greatest Listener

When we come to realize the patience and kindness God has acted toward us despite our inability to listen, then we will recognize how great of a listener he is. God has every right not to listen to us, but he chooses to. We can see this in the description of the Fall. When Adam and Eve sinned, God came to listen to their account. “Then the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” (Gen 3:9). God called them because he wanted to know them and he wanted to know them by listening to them. In the same way, God pursues us, listens to us, covers us with the blood of Christ, and beckons that we continue to share our full and honest hearts with Him. We might still be tempted to resist or hide from God because of our sin, but He desires to listen to us all the more.

• Hebrews 3:13-15 - You must warn each other every day, while it is still “today,” so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God. For if we are faithful to the end, trusting God just as firmly as when we first believed, we will share in all that belongs to Christ.

Remember what it says: “Today when you hear his voice, don’t harden your hearts as Israel did when they rebelled.”

This warning is relevant to us because we are constantly tempted to harden our hearts to His voice that reminds us that we are free to come to Him. We might turn away from God thinking that he does not listen to us, or we might not want to listen to Him ourselves. One anchor we can always return to is prayer. Prayer is an ongoing listening relationship between God and us based upon what Christ has done for us. He listens to us as we present our requests to Him and seek to align our will with His. We listen to Him as he imparts his heart to us, his wisdom for how to live, and his consolation from our pains and struggles.

• John 13:34-35 - So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”

God listens to us in a way that cannot be contained. When we come before Him, he fills us up with himself so that we can listen to others as an extension of Himself to them. In our listening, we can help others see the love of God that he displays to us in listening. This is embedded in the commandment that Jesus gives us because loving well means that we listen well. And if we want the world to recognize the love that Jesus has for us, how can we do that without listening?

REFLECT OR DISCUSS

1. How would you describe the relationship between wisdom and listening? Can you think of a person who does this well?

2. What misconceptions have you seen or experienced lived in our culture about wisdom? How does the Bible challenge us to think differently about wisdom?

3. How would you describe the difference between active and passive listening? Is passive listening always bad? Why or why not?

4. Which one of Dr. Godwin’s tips for listening well stands out to you? What are some ways you can improve at listening?

5. How does our unwillingness or struggle to listen to others relate to our fallen nature?

6. Which one of Dr. Cloud’s barriers to listening stands out to you? Would someone close to you agree with your answer?

7. Consider the quote by C.S. Lewis: “We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” Does this expand or challenge the way you think about how God speaks to us?

8. Have you considered that God desires to listen to you even when you feel guilty or ashamed? What temptation(s) makes you think that he will not listen to you? How does the Gospel speak to us here?

9. You might have heard the popular mantra: “Prayer is just talking to God.” What do you think about this? How can prayer be a form of listening to God?

10. How can listening to others display the love of God? What are some things you can do to help you listen in a more loving way?

Click here for the full pdf version.

Click here to watch the sermon on YouTube.

Wisdom for Friendship (October 31st, 2021)

The “Loneliness Epidemic”| Even before the pandemic, it was widely acknowledged that many in the U.S. had a loneliness problem. Approximately 50% of Gen X and Boomers and 70% of Millennials and Gen Z felt lonely on a regular basis, and there has been a steady decline in the number of people who say that they have even just one person who knows them well. Almost one-third claimed they had no one to count on. This is a troubling trend because loneliness can have disastrous effects on our physical and mental well-being. It is important to ask ourselves how we became like this, but it is even more important to consider what we can do about it? Thankfully, Proverbs has some wisdom for us to consider as we look forward. The theme of friendship permeates the Proverbs. We could even say that Proverbs speaks to the theme of friendship more than any other classical work.

1. The Rewards of Friendship

(1) Wisdom

• Prov 18:1 - “One who isolates himself pursues selfish desires; he rebels against all sound wisdom.”

What if we have been thinking about wisdom in the wrong way? Wisdom is not something we develop ourselves and then apply within our community like an application tacked onto a school exam. Instead, wisdom begins and ends with friendship. The beginning of this proverb reminds us that if we try to become wise on our own, we will usually pursue selfish desires. That might seem harsh, but it is even more apparent in our contemporary culture than we might be willing to admit. The second half of this proverb shows us that to live without friendship is to rebel against wisdom and the way God created us to live.

• Prov 13:20 - “The one who walks with the wise will become wise...”

There is a valuable reason that God said that “it is not good for man to be alone” (Gen 2:18), and it is about more than marriage. Saint Augustine echoed this truth when he taught that two things are essential: life and friendship. This proverb illustrates that wisdom belongs to those “walking with” or closely related to the wise. There is nothing more critical to our growth in wisdom that we not only avoid trying to walk in wisdom alone but that we walk in wisdom with others.

(2) Wounds

• Prov 27:6 - “The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive.”

It might surprise us to think that one of the great rewards of friendship is trustworthy wounds. Proverb 27:6 makes this point by reminding us of the opposite kind of person - an enemy who is always kissing up to you. The person who is always kissing up to you or flattering you is not interested in your ultimate good. Now before we think that it’s only the flatterer at fault, we need to take another look at ourselves. If you gravitate toward the kind of friend that constantly affirms you, agrees with you, and always says “you do you,” then you don’t want a friend. You want another you.

(3) Whetting

• Prov 27:17 - “Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another.”

Perhaps you have heard someone say that something “whets” their appetite. What they mean to say is that something sharpens or intensifies their appetite. Similarly, a “whetting” stone is a stone used to sharpen a blade. This is what Proverbs 27:17 means by “sharpening.” John Kitchen elaborates that “no person can be their best or reach the heights God intends for them without those blessed friends “who comfort, provoke, challenge, rebuke, chide, affirm, stimulate, encourage until their thinking is clear, their wisdom mature, their purpose refined, and their faculties sharp.” Without sharpening friendships, we become dull to the things that move us toward becoming what we are meant to become.

(4) With-ness

• Prov 17:17 - “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”

• Prov 27:9 - “Oil and incense bring joy to the heart, and the sweetness of a friend is better than self-counsel.”

This proverb reminds us that a true friend loves us at all times and brings joy to our hearts. We are born into a family, and we certainly need them for life’s journey, but a friend chooses to be with you in many ways that can go beyond family. This kind of “with-ness” provides us something that self-counsel can never provide and something deeper than a family can share. Ruth and Naomi are a biblical example of “with-ness.” Ruth says to her, “Where you go, I will go, and wherever you live, I will live... where you die, I will die and there I will be buried. May the Lord punish me and do so severely if anything but death separates you and me” (Ruth 1:16-17).

2. The Risks of Friendship

Proverbs highlights the rewards of friendship like no other place in Scripture. You can stay alive without it, but you cannot truly live or become who God intends you to be without it. Proverbs also speaks to the “risks” of friendship – of seeking, cultivating something so valuable.

(1) It can be Deceiving

• Prov 20:6 - “Many a person proclaims his own loyalty, but who can find a trustworthy person?”

• Prov 19:6 - “Many seek a ruler's favor, and everyone is a friend of one who gives gifts.”

• Prov 17:9 - “Whoever conceals an offense promotes love, but whoever gossips about it separates friends.”

These proverbs reveal collectively that “friendship” is not always easy to define or point out. You will encounter many people in your life that turn out not to be friends even though they display loyalty at times or give you gifts. The real test happens when the rubber meets the road in life’s difficulty. A true test of friendship is whether their loyalty is proven over time. When you share something with a friend, do they conceal it? When you suffer and have nothing to give, are they still there? Can you trust them with your deepest struggles? We don’t know until our friendships pass through such tests.

(2) They are Discovered not Forced

• Prov 25:17 - “Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house; otherwise, he'll get sick of you and hate you.”

• Prov 27:14 - “One who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be considered a curse to him.”

These Proverbs speak to people forcing friendship when it isn’t there. Friendships are discovered. C.S. Lewis helpfully observes that friendship is discovering that we “see the same truths and care about the same thing” as someone else. We don’t find friends by seeking friends, we find friends by seeking good and true things and discover others who “see what we do”; people who cause us to say, “What? I thought I was the only one!” Once discovered, friendship must be developed to yield the rewards Proverbs speaks about but they can’t be forced.

(3) All Friendships Disappoint

• Prov 14:10 - “The heart knows its own bitterness, and no outsider shares in its joy.”

• Prov 15:11 - “Sheol and Abaddon lie open before the Lord- how much more, human hearts.”

We can all think of times that we have been disappointed by a friend. Perhaps they weren’t there when you needed them, you felt burdened by constantly texting them to meet up, or time apart created an unwelcome drift. On a more personal level, maybe you shared something difficult and vulnerable that they did not understand or reciprocate. These proverbs remind us to have grace because our hearts are deep, and no one can exhaustively know us. We do well to consider that even friends, like us, can make mistakes. There are limits to and disappointments in even the best of friendships.

3. The Resource for Friendship

• Mt 11:9 - “The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, ‘Look, a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’ Yet wisdom is vindicated by her deeds.”

So the rewards of friendship are great, but the risks of friendship are real and challenging. How can we keep at it when we are prone to isolate and remain in a comfortable circle. We need a powerful resource. Jesus shows us that wisdom at the heart of the gospel points us to true friendship from which we can draw strength to befriend others, even those who differ from us. Notice in this passage that Jesus does not refute the accusation that he is a friend of tax collectors and sinners, but he makes an interesting claim that “wisdom is vindicated by her deeds.” In other words, Jesus says, “watch what happens to the people I befriend!”

Jesus never gave up on people that the religious leaders of his time would have given up on almost immediately. Instead, Jesus embraced them, spent time with them, and walked alongside them despite their sin. But the wisdom of the gospel is this: when Jesus befriends a sinner, it changes the sinner! Of those tax collectors and sinners that reciprocated a friendship with Jesus, none of them went back to those same practices. These friends of Jesus were transformed because they were offered something valuable and authentic. Their testimony became a reference point in which Jesus changed their lives and from which they would change the world.

4. The Real Possibility of Friendship

• Prov 18:24 - “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

• Jn 15:13-14 - “No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you.”

The wisdom of Proverbs about friendship finds its fulfillment in Jesus. The possibility of friendship comes from the fact that we have a friend who “sticks closer” than anyone else. It doesn’t matter if we have many “companions” because, without a true friend in Jesus, we will never become true friends to others in the way God designed us. Consider the example of Jesus, who not only spent time with sinners and tax collectors but died for them. To lay down your life for a family member is natural and instinctual, but to lay down your life for a friend is a choice. Even though we have been the worst possible friends to Jesus, he completely restored our friendship with him. What he commands us to do is nothing he has not done himself. We are called to befriend others as he has befriended us. The gospel makes friendship really possible in a post-pandemic world sinking further into epidemic of loneliness. We can be the kind of friends that reap the rewards of friendship described in Proverbs as we lay down our lives to listen, care for, encourage, and bear the burdens of others.

REFLECT OR DISCUSS

1. Which proverb in this lesson resonates the most with you and why?

2. How has the “loneliness epidemic” impacted you? What are some ways you have come to handle loneliness in your life and invest in friendships despite the busyness of life?

3. Do you agree with Saint Augustine that friendship is as essential to life as life itself? What does this say about our human nature?

4. How is a friendship relationship different than a family relationship? How do you handle adversity with your friends compared to your family members?

5. In what ways can we move beyond friendship only with those who agree with us? How does Jesus’ friendship with tax collectors and sinners motivate us to make friends with those who disagree with us?

6. How is “with-ness” better than self-counsel? What is the importance of developing wisdom in and for community rather than in isolation? Are you ever tempted toward isolation?

7. Why is it difficult to force a friendship? Can you think of a time where a friendship came naturally? How do we discover friendship without forcing it?

8. How can Jesus’ friendship with us be a resource to our friendships with others? What about the gospel brings a different perspective to friendship?

9. Do you find it challenging that Jesus says we are his friends if we do what he commands us? What does he mean by this?

10. Share a story of a friendship that means a lot to you. What are the qualities that make it so meaningful?

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Wisdom for Handling Anger (October 17th, 2021)

Introduction: We have more access to information and knowledge than ever before, but we are still so confused, conflicted, and divided. What must we do? The book of Proverbs teaches us that wisdom is the missing piece of the puzzle, the lost treasure of our time. We must rediscover it, ourselves and as a church, if we are to stand firm in a world drowning in information but lacking in wisdom. This Fall, let’s come together to “get wisdom” and allow it to reorient our lives, our families, and our communities. 

Digging Deeper | During our study in the book of Proverbs, we have considered the wisdom of how to approach relationships and communication. We have learned that wisdom calls us to navigate conflicts in our relationships with patient love and to evaluate the weight of our words in every context. But there is more. God calls us to wisdom in our words and actions, but also at the source of where these things come from – our emotions. There is something beneath many of our relational conflicts that make them much more difficult to process, and that is our anger. Many of us are aware of the angry culture we live in. We are hard-pressed to get far into the news or social media without running headlong into some kind of “outrage.” Proverbs gives us wisdom for how to handle our anger.  

1. Admit that You Have It

• Prov 29:11 - “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise person holds it in check.”

• Prov 14:29 - “Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.”

The first step in getting wisdom for anger is to admit that we experience it. We might say we are only “frustrated, ”annoyed,” or “irritated,” but we know that these are varying degrees of anger. Certainly, these terms are helpful, but not if we use them to shy away from the fact that we are angry, and we are tempted to do just that. The presence of anger is not wrong or sinful; it is the mishandling of anger that is wrong or sinful. Nowhere in the book of Proverbs do we find any instruction not to be angry or that anger belongs to the fool and not to the wise. Rather, it is the fool who gives full vent to anger and becomes controlled by it. The wise person experiences anger but exhibits control over it. The wise experience anger because anger is an important emotion and a powerful indicator of something wrong. There is a lot of wrong in the world, and even the wise have a right to be angry. Their anger is not hasty like the fool, nor is their goal to rid themselves of anger altogether, but of developing a character over time that is “slow to anger.”

2. Be Aware of its Potency

• Prov 29:22 - “An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins.”

• Prov 21:19 - “Better to live in a wilderness than with a nagging and hot-tempered wife.”

• Prov 14:17 - “A quick-tempered man does foolish things, and the one who devises evil schemes is hated.”

Anger has the power to stir us up toward good things or take us down a path of destruction. How can this be? Anger can stir up further conflict in our relationships and explode into many other sins. One commentator describes anger as a gateway drug to sin. 29:22 highlights this reality, and many of us can relate to a time in which we have witnessed anger take us or someone we know down an entirely different direction we would ever intend to go. The potency of anger is more than the ability to explode; it has a more subtle power to make us into unbearable people. 21:19 draws attention to the danger of allowing our homes to become places of continual anger and strife. A wife is mentioned specifically, but we know that men are equally, if not more, prone to a hot-tempered nature. 14:17 speaks to the foolish things of which we are capable when we are angry. Anger has the power to take over our minds and cloud our judgment. Plans motivated by anger are called “evil schemes.” That might sound extreme to us, but consider the last time you were angry. Did you come up with a wise and loving plan of action? Did you feel the rush to act impulsively? We should not be surprised because anger is not always concerned with a wise course of action as much as deliberate action.

3. Avoid it in Others when Possible

• Prov 19:19 - “A person with intense anger bears the penalty; if you rescue him, you'll have to do it again.”

• 22:24-25 - “Don't make friends with an angry person, and don't be a companion of a hot-tempered one, or you will learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.”

• 29:8 - “Mockers inflame a city, but the wise turn away anger.”

Proverbs warns us - we can be drawn in by the anger of others. 19:19 alludes to a cycle of anger that captures not only the angry person but also the rescuer. 22:24-25 says if we surround ourselves with angry people, we will learn their ways and entangle ourselves. This is not to say that it is wise to evade people, but it is wise to slow down our anger to channel it for good. 29:8 reminds us that anger intensifies in droves. Consider the speed and intensity of anger when something outrageous captures attention in the news or social media. The wise person considers acting in ways to turn away anger in others rather than inciting it. 

4. Ask it, “Why?”

• Prov 29:11 - “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise person holds it in check.”

The main contrast between wisdom and folly in relation to anger has to do with the speed and intensity of our anger. The wise are called to be “slow to anger” in a way that reflects God’s character. One of the most important ways we can slow down anger is to explore it by questioning it. We should not automatically trust our anger because we know how easily it can trap us or lead us into various sins. We see this in the Scriptures when God confronts two angry people: Cain and Jonah. In both cases, God asks them, “why are you angry?” Anger often reveals what matters most to us, which is typically what we are desperate to have or control instead of entrusting to God. What we are most angry about will reveal to us what we most love and value. Is it the other person’s good? The righteous cause? Or is it our own pride, ego and reputation. Is it our own comfort and preferences? Rarely is our anger motivated by pure desires for God’s glory and another’s good. In addition, anger is often considered “a secondary emotion” because we of how we use it to avoid more painful feelings like grief, fear, or loneliness. When we slow down anger, we attempt to explore our motives and reasons for anger before responding to the person or situation. With all these factors in mind, we can see why James says “human anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness”. Human anger alone cannot make things right – we must move “through” our anger to love. How does that happen?

5. Allow it to Lead you to Jesus

• Prov 19:11 - “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”

• Prov 10:12 - “Hatred stirs up conflicts, but love covers all offenses.”

The book of Proverbs is unique in its description of “slow to anger.” Every other book of the Old Testament in which we find this term applies it to God Himself. Proverbs tells us this is how we should handle our anger too. Our God is not without anger because our world is not without sin. All but one instance in the Bible that describes God as slow to anger also mentions his abounding in steadfast love. God’s love does not oppose his anger. It’s anger that moves his love into action. He can answer offenses gently, turn away wrath and right the wrongs done to him. We can learn to do this same. 

When we experience anger we have three options: ignore it and let it grow, give full vent to it and let it stir up more, or consider it and allow it to lead us back to God, who answered anger perfectly. 

God answered anger in this, “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom 5:8). The wisdom of God is that he answered anger in a way that turned away wrath; He destroyed the sin but not the sinner. 19:11 and 10:12 give us small glimpses of what God has done for us. He has overlooked our sins through the work of Christ and has covered our offenses with his blood. God absorbed the anger of the offenses in order to love the offenders. God is gentle and kind, and it is his kindness that leads us to repentance. If we desire to be like Him, then we must repent for how we have mishandled our anger, and we must follow the example of our God found in the wisdom of Christ. Jesus is the gentle answer to “outrage” culture, and he is the best guide for our angry hearts. We are challenged by the words of Thomas à Kempis: “Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.” Perhaps we should be as gracious to others in our anger to the extent that we are aware of our own need for grace. 

Reflect or Discuss

1. Which proverb in this lesson resonates the most with you and why?

2. How might anger lie beneath the surface of our words, actions, and behaviors? Can you describe a time in which you were able to identify the source of your anger before it got out of hand? 

3. The Washington Post mentioned that we are living in a giant “anger incubator.” In what ways have you witnessed this to be true? Why do you think anger is so prevalent in our culture? 

4. In what ways does anger alarm us to something wrong we might need to pay attention to within ourselves? Why are we tempted to downplay our anger? Why are we tempted to say “all anger is wrong”? 

5. How can anger be a “gateway drug” to other sins or lead us into a trap that involves others? In what ways can anger be a potent force for good?

6. Read James 1:19-20. What is the relation between listening, speaking, and anger? Why is it so difficult to slow down our anger? What are some practical ways to do this?

7. What are you more tempted to do when you are angry: deny it, hide it, or vent it? How can your anger lead you to God?

8. How does the way in which God handles his anger in the gospel good news? What does the cross teach us about the need to answer anger (not ignore it)? What does the cross teach us about gently answering anger in a way the turns away wrath?  

9. In what setting/situation are you most in need of your anger being “gentled” by the gospel? What might this look like? 

Final thought - The gospel tells us God, in his infinite wisdom, found a way to destroy the offenses we have committed against him without destroying (the offenders). The heat of his anger destroyed our sin without destroying us. Jesus absorbed the heat so we could be saved. How does this help us absorb the heat of our anger in the moment when it rises up to destroy?

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